Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
