i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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