As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
