My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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