Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
