Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
