apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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