she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
