the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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