Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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