I molested 6 butterflies tonight
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
