There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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