fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
