apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
