They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
