i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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