My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
