I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
