Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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