I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
