So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
