i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
