Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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