guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
