Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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