I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
