pedialite and red bull = repair kit
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
