The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
