Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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