she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
