he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
