I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There r osticjed everywhere
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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