Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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