True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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