just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
