We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
