he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
