I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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