And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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