Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
