literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
