What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
