All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
