What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
