Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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