final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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