I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
