my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
