Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
