im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They took my balls.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
